(This is a re-post of my April 9, 2025 post on the MenLiving.org Blog)
I have long thought of myself as a hero.
After the sudden death of my father when I was 11 years old, my uncle told me I am now the Man of the House. Throughout the rest of my life, I did what I thought was the best thing to do, guided by the 12 points of the Boy Scout Law. Absent a consistent mentor, I tried on various shades of the role of “Hero.” I came to believe my being a hero was a matter of life and death for those I loved.
Sixty-three years later I found some great mentors in MenLiving and Path to Spirit-Warrior who have helped me grow and mature and more fully understand my hero impulse. I now realize there is a shadow side to the hero—arrogance, judging others, overconfidence, over-responsibility—trying to do everything for everybody at all times. Because if I can “rescue” you, my unconscious ego’s need to be valued and appreciated as your rescuer will be met.
When I retired in 2015, I thought the rest of my life would be great. No more reporting to bosses. No more two hour commutes. No more immature colleagues. At last, I was relieved of the burden of earning a living and finally had ample time to do whatever I wanted! But instead I became preoccupied with trying to understand why our citizenry chose to elect a TV reality show star as our 45th president. The shadow side of my Hero persona was verklempt!
My mental misery abated during the first two years of the 46th president’s term, when a majority of congress was on the same side. But alas the tide turned after the midterm elections as the 45th president’s influence spread.
Now (2025), the 45th president is back in office as the 47th president, and is talking about also becoming the 48th president, yet another of his many violations of the Constitution of the United States!
I’ve always admired Star Trek’s Captain James Tiberius Kirk as a role model for the Hero. But these days, my brain has become as jumpy as Dr. “Bones” McCoy, and I hear the Captain Kirk part of my brain saying, “Bones! Calm yourself!”
I was talking to my precious wife Marti about my feelings (because I can’t hide my feelings from her) of despair, anger, and sadness regarding the complete disregard for our Constitution by our Executive Branch, and the spinelessness of his cronies in our Legislative Branch. I would like to let go of these feelings, or at least not let them run my life. But how? Marti reminded me of the other side of the Shadow Hero—the Enlightened Hero.
So what is the Enlightened Hero? How does he think, speak, and act?
My study of Buddhist philosophy (as taught by Thich Nhat Hahn) holds some clues. I have learned about and tried to embody certain principles—Impermanence, Compassion, Non-Attachment. There are the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path (or in MenLiving-speak, Noble Suggestions). These are fundamental teachings in Buddhism:
The Four Noble Truths are:
- One – Life is characterized by suffering and dissatisfaction.
- Two – The cause of suffering is craving and attachment.
- Three – There is a cessation of suffering, which is achievable.
- Four – The path to the cessation of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path
The Noble Eightfold Path consists of:
- Right Understanding: Understanding the Four Noble Truths.
- Right Intent: Commitment to ethical and mental self-improvement.
- Right Speech: Speaking truthfully and harmoniously.
- Right Action: Behaving peacefully and harmoniously.
- Right Livelihood: Earning a living in a way that does not harm others.
- Right Effort: Cultivating positive states of mind.
- Right Mindfulness: Developing awareness of the body, feelings, and thoughts.
- Right Concentration: Practicing meditation to achieve a higher state of consciousness.
(You can play with these in your head and try to match up the MenLiving Five Suggestions, just for fun… It’s not dogma!)
My main quandary is struggling to understand what I am called to be, do, say and think in these times. Should I withdraw from this hero instinct? Should I just try to create a protection around myself, an island of sanity? A private sanctuary for myself? What do my five adult children, seven grandchildren and four great grands need from me?
I know that I cannot keep the feeling of despair inside me. To me, it is the WORST emotion. Of the Five Suggestions, my heart encourages me to keep on living consciously, curiously, emotionally, candidly, and intentionally. Of the Eightfold Path, my mind tells me to focus my efforts on Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. And of the 12 Points of the Scout Law, my heart relies on these points that are embedded in me since childhood. My hope is that by aspiring to practice and embody these suggestions, paths, and points, my life can model to my descendants how to stand for the good in life and in our country.
As our country heads towards fascism, I am reminded of the quote from Thomas Paine’s “The American Crisis”. It describes the beginnings of the American Revolution and the life of Paine himself.
“These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the services of their country; but he that stands it now deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.”
The “regular guys” back then were trying to fight off the British Empire, the King. What will we be, do, say and think in these times that try our souls?
Each of us must answer this for ourselves. As for this great grandfather, I will continue to wrestle with what these difficult times and what the future generations are calling me to be, do, say and think.
